Commitment and the Lack Thereof: A Product of Dependency or Independence?

Source: http://d1.stern.de/

The discussion of when to tie the knot remains eternal: Is six months too early or is 10 years too late? It depends. For instance, 20 years is probably not enough time for Hugh Hefner.  Have you ever googled Hugh Hefner?  In every picture, he stands in his worn down smirk next to his booby blonde of the day. Is he independent or dependent? Or better put, what is Hugh Hefner without a blonde?

But is a relationship any better? How many people marry out of fear of being alone? Relationships can also be a coping mechanism.  In fact, many people start relationships out of their own insecurities.  They aren't confident, so they hope to lean on someone else for comfort.  That doesn't sound like a happy ending.

And yet the happy ending does exist.  Yes, it's a climb but it's worthwhile.  And believe it or not, it requires a lot of self reflection.  Have you ever talked to someone who is really happy in a relationship after five, ten or twenty years? One thing these people have in common is self assurance and independence.  They live for themselves first.  But they also enjoy companionship along the way.  They don't look to their partner for answers they already know.  They know that they are beautiful, smart and successful.  They don't pull at the sleeve of their partners for meaningless words of comfort.

In the context of vanity, people that spend all of their time on their body tend to attract similar individuals. Sure, all of us care about how we look.  But if you find yourself unable to have a conversation with your friend because you are checking yourself out in the mirror, then you may want to refocus your priorities. 

A guy once told his girlfriend, "You look better with clothes on."  That's an unfortunate scenario for both partners.  The best part of a relationship is to be naked - to be your complete self without any fears.  That's where dependency trickles in.  Yes, to build that kind of a relationship, a person must learn to trust and depend on the support of the partner (although not entirely).  But we are all individuals first and therefore our own thoughts remain most potent in our lives.  We are everything else second.

So often people break up and want to show off pictures of their ex.  They waste their time talking about the endless compliments that greeted their ears every day of the relationship. "The sex was so amazing and what a body," they say with such reluctance.  If that's the relationship, then it probably took it's course.  It was only likely to stay that way for a little bit of time (until the god gains a few too many kilos) or until the next goddess wanders into your path.

This phenomenon is nothing new.  It starts at puberty and it sticks with us until we are able to pull ourselves out of this vanity streak.  Hopefully, this happens before we end up like Hugh Hefner - only without the money that keeps the river of beautiful people plentiful. 

If you find yourself fixated on beauty, know that this isn't love, it's lust.  You will never be happy.  But the experience is nevertheless a great lesson.  Figure out exactly what it does - let your body go through the feeling of lust.  It doesn't bring a smile to your face - it brings a smirk (see the Hugh Hefner model above).  It doesn't solve your problems. 

Whether you are in a relationship or not, make time to self reflect without the presence of another. If you're in a relationship, I hope that you and your partner become more beautiful for one another as the layers of clothing fall off in exchange for honesty, trust, security, and most importantly, the absolute freedom of being your true self.

If you're full of doubt, reflect on your actions.  Remember that growth involves learning.  Committing infidelity is not necessarily right or wrong, it's an action with consequences. But it's also a place for growth.  You may lose your partner but you may learn to look to yourself for answers rather than trying to find them in other people.  For those considering that path, know that the road is rocky.  Give yourself time to discover what you really want before you take that step.  Maybe your current partner is not for you.  But then try to treat your current partner with the fairness and honesty that you yourself would expect. 

Alternatively, if you are self confident, be aware that you are a magnet to those who lack such confidence.  Theoretically, it's easy to ignore those with problems when you don't have any of your own.  In practice, we all like pretty things; a nice face or a bit of money can be hard to ignore.  Thus, self confidence requires constant reflection.  Responsibility (to friends, family, work colleagues, etc.) also makes distractions inevitable, but try to land back on your feet.

We are all dependent to some extent.  But always remember that independence is the way to happiness.  Many people can tell you that you're beautiful but if you don't believe it yourself, then the words of others mean absolutely nothing.  Likewise, the lack of self reflection and independent thought is the best way to lose all sense of yourself.

For all those who are learning how to be independent, Dried Tomatoes salutes you.

Is the Work Life the End or Just The Beginning of the Good Life?

Source: Hamburger Abendblatt

Most people talk about the long climb towards that closet office on top of a lanky skyscraper in the middle of some modern city – the exams, interviews, internships, study abroad programs, networking, and finally, the job offer.  But what next?

Let's assume that you know when you've bumped into a successful job and you aren't one of those fanatics constantly striving to be better than everyone else.  You have your cozy office, a friendly staff, exciting work (although long hours), but why the uneasiness?  You take a look at everyone around you:  your mentor has a beautiful family; your best work colleague is complaining about the lack of sleep due to a crying newborn baby; and your old study mate recently sent you a wedding invitation in the mail.  Sure, you're happy for everyone else.  But you can't stop thinking, is this my future?

There are many people who feel that every life decision must be planned.  As soon as men land a job, they talk about their future as a bachelor with a nice car, an apartment with a sky view and plenty of women in the little black book.  Meanwhile, women suddenly want to have their husband and three kids within the next five years. 

For the planners nodding their heads in affirmation: why the rush?  Have you ever had a conversation with a new father?  If you ignore the bags sitting comfortably under his eyes along with his breakfast of stale cookies that he found in some conference room, then the conversation is just bearable.  As for the successful bachelor – things start to deflate when all of your buddies are in a relationship. 

Back to the main issue: a successful career does not have to be the end.  There are some people that seem to always enjoy life.  They have the same workload as you but life seems lighter and a tick easier.  If you ever had a talk with these people, you would realize that they are in no hurry.  They travel.  They plan dinner parties with friends.  They play sports.  They go to concerts.  They are spontaneous.  Some of these people choose to have families and others don’t.  But their lives continue to be open books.  When they talk about their kids, they can’t stop smiling.  Others can’t stop talking about their recent trip to Sri Lanka and their upcoming weekend trip with friends to the beach.  The big difference between these people and everyone else is that they are living. 

Even if you can’t tackle that concept of life, then don’t lose the second lesson: follow your gut.  Don't waste your time comparing yourself to others.  Do good work.  Always do your best.  But focus on you.  If work isn’t fun anymore, then find something else.  These words seem paper thin but they are solid granite.  If your office seems a little too cramped and exhausting, you can find your dream job if you don’t settle.  All of my friends have made it back on their feet even when they barely believed it themselves.  Life tends to reward those who try.  For those having the same issues in their private life, don’t try to pry yourself away from your gut feeling.  If your partner wants to settle down and you aren’t ready, then don’t do it.  In the long run, this may save you from a very lengthy divorce.  Add kids into the equation and you are floating on an endless pile of complications.

Lesson three: explore the world.  Every person that has captured my attention has travelled abroad many times.  Naturally, people can explore the world in their backyard but exploring another place, culture and language is exhilarating.  Getting lost in a land where you can barely pronounce the street names is downright hilarious (in hindsight).  Travelling keeps things exciting.  If things start to get too comfortable at home, then they also tend to get boring.  That mixed together with a lengthy work routine is a great start towards a midlife crisis.

The final lesson: don't ever think that you're too old.  The only difference between you and an 80-year old person (aside from health) is experience.  If you spend each evening watching television, then the 80-year old person that I know can run circles around you in terms of having fun.  Live a little; be curious; and have fun. 

-To all the people that are having fun, Dried Tomatoes salutes you!

The Bin Laden Model: Philanthropy or Corruption?

Source:

http://www.fr-online.de

In its news article about income inequality (20/1/2011), The Economist included the following quote by Adam Smith: "if a man was to lose his little finger tomorrow, he would not sleep tonight; but provided he never saw them, he would snore with the most profound security." But what if some guy named Bin Laden with his $80 million inherited from his father told the man without fingers that he knew of a way to help him? 

That sounds rather philanthropic.  In the Bin Laden model, a poor man could have an education – albeit solely focused on an extremely conservative interpretation of the Koran and military training – and a future as a martyr (i.e. suicide bomber), the most sacred status according to Islamic extremist groups.  More importantly, the man with the big pocketbook would financially support the family left behind.  That means the martyr has a paradise awaiting him in his afterlife without any concern about his family's financial wellbeing.

Although this deal has significant drawbacks, how is this any different from the role that religion has played in history?  Religion has driven war and power, despite the fact that religion can bring about a lot of good.

What about poverty? Take Afghanistan as an example (despite the fact that Bin Laden recruited supporters in other countries as well).  Afghanistan has no significant economic inequality because everyone is poor.  With a literacy rate of under 20%, education is barely visible.  Now, imagine what happens if someone offers food, shelter and education to a person with nothing - who wouldn't jump at the chance? 

Take this model a step further.  How can a person without money have a voice in the modern world?  Violence (although peaceful protests have also proven to be effective alternatives).  Bin Laden along with his group Al-Qaeda had the funds to wage a holy Islamic war (also known as Jihad) with guns, bombs, and plenty of human ammunition.  In his model, Bin Laden applied the same philosophy adopted in previous religious wars: if you're a believer (of the jihadist movement), then you're okay; if you're a non believer then things may get ugly.  So, here's the model in a nutshell: recruitment into the Taliban philosophy, schooling and teachings solely centered around Jihadism, and then fighting for Jihad to ensure a better future for the family (including a financial support from Al-Qaeda).  For a person hoping for religious change by educating people on Jihadism and ensuring financial security for his supporters, Bin Laden seemed to be quite the philanthropist.

But what about killing innocent people? The Islamic religion along with many other religions in modern times is not driven by violence.  But Jihadists believe in using violence to further their extremely conservative Islamic beliefs.  Even Bin Laden reminded his followers that every American (excluding supporters of Islamic extremist groups) was a problem.

This is where philanthropy seems to lose its footing in the Bin Laden model.  Charity served for purposes of waging war isn’t really charity.  Sure, some people that support Al-Qaeda merely want a chance at the good life - education, the freedom to make choices and possibly some financial security.  Nevertheless, taking another person's life or taking the dignity away from another by rape or abuse cannot be justified in the name of religion – it was wrong centuries ago and it is still wrong.  

-For people that exercise nonviolence, Dried Tomatoes salutes you

Women's Football?

Source: http://www.2.bp.blogspot.com/

Although day one of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup was marked by lacking advertising campaigns and a general state of indifference in most parts of Germany, many people watched – at least in part – the opening game between Germany and Canada. Even Chancellor Merkel showed her support.  That's not bad for women's football.

Flashback to the final game of the 1999 Women's World Cup between the USA and China: the 90,000 plus fans at the California Rose Bowl Stadium remains the largest crowd in the world to ever support a women's sporting event.  At that time, the world’s best player, Mia Hamm, was plastered over every television screen and billboard nationwide. But that seemed to be the beginning of the end.  What happened to women's football?

Don't get me wrong.  Women's football remains visible.  Before US team Los Angelos de Sol ran out of cash, Marta Vieira da Silva otherwise known as “Pele in a skirt”, was earning an annual salary in excess of $1 million (although she took a sharp pay cut when she eventually transferred to a New York team).  In 2001, Mia Hamm only earned $85,000 as a forward for U.S. team Washington Freedom.

But women’s football always comes second to men’s football.    Yes, after watching the first game of the 2011 World Cup, people were shocked to find that women's football is strikingly similar to men's football (after all, it's the same sport).  In fact, the only real difference is that men play better.  If that's the case, why shouldn't World Player of the Year Lionel Messi get a higher salary than his female counterpart? To be blunt, why should Marta deserve the same paycheck in a market where she is average at best?

And yet female athletes in other sports seem to have a better shot at success.  Tennis player Maria Sharapova is the highest paid female athlete (according to Forbes.com 05/2011) with an income of $24.2 million.  To add perspective, she is ranked number 29 among all athletes in terms of yearly earnings. 

In contrast, Marta doesn’t even earn a fraction of the income of her male counterparts, despite her uncanny ability to leave fans mesmerized.  Unlike many female athletes, she is perhaps at the pinnacle of transforming women’s soccer both in terms of skill level and innovation.  Nevertheless, her five year streak as World Female Player of the Year barely ensures a spot on any pro club team.  After moving from one bankrupt team to another, she recently joined the Western New York Flash. However, this move could also be temporary if the team suffers financially.

Maybe the 2011 World Cup is the platform for change and the end of a very long struggle for women's football.  The opening game in Berlin on Sunday attracted a crowd of 74,000 fans.  While ticket prices remain relatively low, ranging between €10  and €50 for normal scheduled games (quarter, semi and final rounds are more expensive), German news providers are providing full coverage of all games. But the question of whether women have a sustainable future in professional football remains to be answered.

-To all the dedicated pro women football players, Dried Tomatoes salutes you!

Wanna Be Famous (or Just Normal)?

 

 Source: http://www.youlookawesome.co.uk/

 It seems like everyone wants to be famous.  Every reality television show or Youtube video is about someone aching for a chance at fame.  The fashion designer with sunglasses and his snow white ponytail, Karl Lagerfeld, labeled the next Claudia Schiffer as the fortunate woman in the right place at the right time.  Is stardom a stroke of luck or the product of talent and hard work?

Before Obama became president, he was a constitutional law professor.  Meanwhile, Lady Gaga spent her college years at NYU studying music and eventually got dropped by her first music agent after only three months.  Now, she is the most influential celebrity according to Forbes.com.  And although hard work is probably an understatement for supermodel Giselle Bündchen, she was scouted by a modeling agency after enjoying a hearty meal at McDonalds.  She was 13 years old.

But who wouldn't want to trade places with any of these people? President Obama's father left his family when Obama was three years old.  Obama made his first public speech in college, protesting against the apartheid system in South Africa.  He also served as a Chicago community organizer for a staff of one, which eventually expanded to a staff of 13 before he headed to Harvard Law School.  That seems like quite a lot of struggle and hard work before his chance at public life as the U.S. president.  Still feel like trading places?

How about Giselle? In school, she coined the nickname, Olive Oyl.  For all you cartoon fans, Olive Oyl was Popeye's skinny girlfriend.  Coming from a small town in Brazil consisting mainly of European immigrants, Giselle hoped to become a professional volleyball player.  Imagine being stuck in daily dialogues about your skinny legs in a small town school without any idea of a future in New York City, posing for the cover of Vogue...no thanks!

So, the next time you find yourself drooling over a spoonful of celebrity life, ask yourself whether you'd be willing to do this kind of work without the large paycheck.  If the answer is no, then find something that makes you happy.  If the answer is yes, then enjoy the experience.  Every time that you stand before a director or producer, remind yourself that you aren't auditioning for a chance at stardom; you're just doing what you love.  Embrace the star in you!

-To all the undiscovered talent in the world, Dried Tomatoes salutes you.